Secrets Vallarta Bay Puerto Vallarta

An awesome experience, and a shout-out to the hosts Noé and Eric and the best bartenders, José and Alejandro! Greetings from Guadalajara! 👊🏻🤣

How on earth this is a five star hotel is beyond me. The people are lovely. The food, however, leaves much to be desired. We ordered a pizza for room service and it was absolutely gross. Not cooked and had cold cuts on it. We couldn’t even eat it. Additionally, we paid for all inclusive and had to pay extra for certain bottles of wine. This isn’t typical for all inclusive. The constant inundation of people trying to sell us stuff on the beach is unsettling (should be private), the hard sales job the second you arrive is a huge turn off. I have stayed at quite a few all inclusive resorts and this doesn’t even hit the mark. I won’t be returning. Take a lesson from Couples Resorts. They have it down and are top notch.

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This trip took us to Secrets Puerto Vallarta, and whew… let’s get into it. The adventure started before we even arrived. We arranged transportation in advance and still ended up paying for our own ride because the scheduled transportation never showed up. No call, no text, no explanation. Not exactly the welcome experience you want after a flight. Upon arrival, I honestly thought we were at the wrong place. The curb appeal was nearly nonexistent. Eventually we found the actual entrance. Better? Yes. Breathtaking? Not exactly. Check-in itself was smooth, but get EVERYTHING in writing before arrival. I requested a swim-up room and was told I’d have a higher floor with a king bed and ocean view. Instead, I was placed in what I affectionately call The Basement Collection™. When I say basement, I mean if the ocean got one good stretch and yawned, we’d have been beachfront. Throughout our stay, we met several guests who shared surprisingly similar stories regarding room expectations and upgrade availability. Many were told upgrades would be available for an additional fee, only to arrive and discover otherwise. Maybe it was inventory issues. Maybe it was coincidence. Either way, it became one of the more common conversations around the resort. The overall experience felt very inconsistent. There were moments where I could see why people enjoy the property, followed by moments that left me scratching my head wondering how this place earned its reputation. Food was probably the biggest example of that inconsistency. The sushi restaurant was excellent. The seafood restaurant served a steak that tasted like it had spent its entire life preparing for beef stew. The Mexican restaurant looked beautiful, but the black beans tasted like they had witnessed a federal crime and entered witness protection. Then hibachi arrived and restored my faith in the culinary department. The beach was decent, the weather was beautiful, and the resort itself was clean. However, service often felt hit or miss, food quality varied dramatically from restaurant to restaurant, and some aspects of the experience felt more “vacation compromise” than luxury escape. Fortunately, the activities team deserves a standing ovation. They brought energy, engagement, and personality to the resort. Karaoke night was unexpectedly entertaining, and several guests could actually sing. Then came hibachi night. Finally. A meal that reminded me why I booked the trip. By the end of the vacation, I found myself appreciating the people, weather, and activities far more than the resort itself. To be fair, several guests told us Secrets Puerto Vallarta is considered one of the better resorts in the area. Reviews are subjective and everyone travels differently. My perspective is influenced by experiences at Hotel Mousai Puerto Vallarta, which has set a very high bar for luxury accommodations, food, and service. Would some guests absolutely love Secrets? Without question. Did I? Not particularly. ⭐ Michelin Cousin Score: 2.3/5 The vacation was ultimately saved by good company, beautiful weather, the activities team, karaoke night, and one heroic hibachi chef who refused to let the entire culinary department lose hope. As for the resort itself, if this diamond rating is accurate, somebody may want to take it back to the jeweler for a second opinion. Right now it feels somewhere between diamond status and highly motivated cubic zirconia.